“Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will cripple my unstable and heavenly dependent level of self-worth”
Self Esteem is something that I fight with every day of my life. I have never felt worthy of feeling beautiful. I have asked myself why do I feel like that? I believe that when we are children we are like sponges and we absorb a lot of different things and that can shape us later in life. I know that the foundation for positive self-esteem is built at an early age and is influenced by others. When I look back in my childhood, my insecurities and feeling ugly started when I was only 4 years old.
I was blessed and fortunate to have a mother that stayed home with me and my siblings. However, when I was 4 years old, she decided to take a job outside the house. This lasted for about a month and it would have dire consequences for me later on in my life. Of course that required her to leave the house every day. During that month, she hired a nanny that would come to our house every day to look after me and my younger brother.
After 34 years of asking myself why do I feel so ugly, why don’t I have respect for myself, I began to wonder if something had happened to me when I was a child. Sure enough one day out of the blue, I started to remember what this nanny did and said to me while she came to look after us. I think I blocked those memories from my mind for over 30 years.
As a child I would wet the bed. She would drag me from my beautiful dark long hair and tell me how gross and ugly I was for wetting the bed. She would say things like “You are a pig!” “You are disgusting “, “ I am going to cut you up into little pieces and roast you in the oven like a pig, because you are one!”, “You are the ugliest girl I have seen”,” You are so fat, you look like an elephant” “You smell like a dead animal”..” I am going to burn you alive!” Those words continue to haunt me. She did not only say those things to me but she would also physically abuse me by pulling my hair and pinch me in between my tiny chubby fingers until I would cry. She would hit my brother on the head and I would protect him by hugging him and she would grab my hair and pull me away from him saying “I was too fat to hug him and I was going to break his back.”
|Here I am as a 3 year old little girl with my favorite toy.|
I believe that this woman actions and words have scared me for life. Every time I feel I can love my self and feel worthy of feeling and looking beautiful. I hear that inner voice that says “You are nothing!” “You are a pig”.
I believe that self-esteem is necessary to be able to lose weight and take care of our bodies. I know this is one of my biggest down falls for my obesity. Perhaps some of you may think this is just an excuse but to me is something I fight with every day of my life.
I want every child to know that no matter what anyone says. They are worth it, they are beautiful! And no one has the right to make them feel worthless! I want to share some of the experiences that may lead to low or no self-esteem:
- Being physically, sexually, or emotionally abused.
- Being ignored, ridiculed, or teased.
- Being expected to be perfect all the time.
- Being harshly criticized.
This entry to my blog has helped me realize that I need to work on improving my self-image. And work hard in having self-esteem. I know deep in my soul that once I do this it will be easier to work on my weight loss. I have known this for years, but I have never really done anything about it. Why? Because I have felt not worthy of loving myself enough to do something about it. It really is a vicious cycle.
I ask myself why I need self-esteem. Simply to be happier!
Self Esteem is about the power of YOU... and is not selfish but rather, it is compassionate and necessary for your well being.
How is your SELF ESTEEM?